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How to Survive Filipino Family Reunions: Foolproof Techniques
"I have three uncles? I never knew they existed..."
"Just come! You don't have to talk to him."
"Can I have one day... ONE DAY where you people don't stress me out."
"OMG did you know she did that?!"
"I'm questioning his existence!"
"Do you really need that many..."
"She doesn't even like me, why do I have to be nice?"
"A KITTTTTTYYYYYYY!."
"Are you still with him? or is there someone else again?"
Ah. Christmas. Tis the season of awkward family reunions and self reflection. More like identifying your decision regrets that year and trying to explain yourself to yourself so you could forgive yourself without feeling guilty of making said regrettable decisions.
Still with me so far? Fantastic-o
It was quite a ride, but what else did we sign up for? It's Christmas. Not only that, it's a Filipino Christmas! Care to elaborate, Dana? Why yes of course! Filipino Christmas is basically an American family's "cliche" thanksgiving. Where we eat a crap ton of food, drink beer, go caroling, eat lumpia, play games, eat lumpia, gossip. Oh! and did I mention eating lumpia? Seeing relatives whose names you do not know or remember and discover secrets like new family members that you never knew existed and things of the sort. As we watch this event unfold into a flaming pile of awkward.
I'm just being melodramatic. Our family reunion wasn't bad at all might I say. Very decent and friendly interactions. Minus the part where I blabbered on and on to cope up with that "meeting new person and hoping they don't think I'm a dumb-ass" social anxiety... which ended up with me, well, looking like a dumb-ass....
So in light of my mistakes, here's a technique to:
I. Meeting new family members and relatives that you never knew existed
II. Encountering relatives with names you're unsure of (because you were probably a lil bean when they last saw you).
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1. Smile (but don't overdo it or else they'll think you're weird and wont talk to you or question your parents' parenting skills)
I started off by smiling and standing up to shake and make beso beso (kiss kiss) they're cheeks before self introduction/ talking about anything else. This keeps things from getting awkward. No one wants to see a sour face. Even if you don't care for this relative, it may not be the same vice versa because who knows? What if they were abroad working hard for their family and just never got the chance to hang out with you so now was their only chance? It could be precious to them. Don't ruin it with your face.
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2. Regard Them as Tita or Tito
When they catch you off-guard and you don't know their name, the safest way to avoid the whole "Uh, who are you again?" painfully awkward scenario by referring to them in their Uncle and Aunt status. No need to use names! AND that buys you enough time at one point to go ask someone in your family who knows. But if even your family members don't know who this extended Tita is... Then you're kinda doomed and will refer to her as Tita for the rest of your life.
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3. Ask THEM the questions FIRST
Before they can start asking you about your life, job, salary, future plans, or reminiscing about the good ol' times (which of course you don't remember because you were. Just. A little. Bean.), be the first one to ask them! Not only will it save YOU the time and energy to explain why you graduated in 5 years instead of 4 or why you're 26 and still not married or why you chose to wear that dress, but it'll make THEM feel important and that you genuinely care. Which of course you should but y'know, some of us tend to have other things on our mind...
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4. Be Generic
Ask generic questions that don't have any specific identification of data (WOW BIG WORDS).
Don't go saying: "How're your children?" because it could end in "Oh...I don't have kids remember? I had a vasectomy because of testicular cancer so um, i can't have kids anymore..." BOOM. now the mood is both sad AND weird. And now you gotta figure out how to get outta that situation you ingeniously placed yourself in. Try asking queries like "So what interests you these days?" then they might say: "I enjoy playing golf and riding horses." Then you could reply with: "That's fascinating! Tell me more about horses!" Try to stay in the present time and stay away from past history because you, for sure, will not remember anything. Those are dangerous waters you do not wish to awkwardly tread.
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5. They insult you because they secretly care
"You got fat!" "You're still the same height. Awww. You look like a wittle wabbit!!" "Your brother is better looking than you."
Yeah, those suck. No way getting out of THAT situation as it is inevitable especially coming from an Asian family. Always remind yourself that they're not doing this to spite you. They just care but don't know any other way to express it due to our non-confrontational type culture. Tough love is a very common method that I've seen when it comes to Asian families. All they want is assurance you'll be okay and to keep tabs on you without strangling you but by being passive about it. It's not the BEST method but what we can do to this situation is to understand it rather than to get all defensive and angry. Don't spoil other people's fun even if they spoiled yours. So the next time your grandma says "Get a real job! Video gaming leads to nowhere." Just remember that she grew up in a different time, a different place with a different version of societal standards. Don't take it to heart.
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Follow these techniques so you don't end up looking like a blabbering fool during your Filipino family reunions and you'll be just fine. I hope...
Have a happy day!
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